No Guilt July

I. Am. An. Addict.

Hello, my name is Candace and I’m a guilt-aholic. I can’t pinpoint when it started, or why, but for years now, I’ve felt guilt over tons of things. Guilty for eating ice cream, guilty for not being one of those super laid back women who don’t care about eating ice cream, guilty about not seeing my nephews and nieces enough, guilty for having nice things, guilty for not being a better friend, daughter, sister, professional, student, girlfriend…It’s not uncommon for me to wake up at 3am and fret about the time ten years ago when I jokingly left my little brother in a Wal-Mart parking lot for three minutes. (He was 14, not 4, fyi.) I feel guilty for the things I’ve accomplished and the things I wanted to accomplish, but never did.

For years, I’ve tried to let go of my addiction. I’ve seen therapists, read articles, and talked to friends about letting go of the guilt I feel. Recently, however, I’ve realized that a big (twisted?) part of me needs to feel guilty.  If I can only visit my family for three days instead of four, I must spend the entire 7 hour drive home feeling guilty over it–if I don’t, they might think I’ve changed, forgotten them, or love them less. I’ve denied myself vacation days, cute tops, ice cream cones, an afternoon nap, and all manner of things that make me happy because I feel guilty for doing nice things for myself. If there are people I care about going through a hard time, how dare I have a sliver of happiness?

So, towards the end of June I decided to institute “No Guilt July.” Instead of forbidding myself from doing or having something that will make me happy, or buying myself something nice and spending an hour feeling guilty about it, I refuse to feel guilty.  Of course, there are times when guilt is necessary–sometimes we hurt others or make poor choices and guilt reminds us to make amends, forgive ourselves, or do it better next time.  That’s not the kind of guilt I’m talking about.  I’m talking about happiness-sucking guilt that paralyzes us into feeling like we are responsible for everything bad in the world and by denying ourselves anything good, we’re fixing the world’s problems. But you know what? Sometimes, it’s NOT my problem.  Sometimes people get themselves into messes and denying myself an afternoon with a friend or a Starbucks coffee isn’t going to make anything better. 

So how does “No Guilt July” work? Simple. I do what makes me happy, what makes me feel good and I take care of myself-and I refuse to feel guilty about it. Limiting my guilt free life to a month helps alleviate the guilt of not feeling guilty–if that makes any sense. (Though I’m hoping this will continue onto Guilt Free August!) When I begin to feel guilty for spending a day off watching Game of Thrones, I snap back to reality–it’s No Guilt July and I’m commanded to let my guilt go.  So far, it’s working pretty well for me.  I’m learning the difference between what I’m responsible for and not and I’m allowing myself to enjoy life’s little pleasures. 

I think that a lot of women–a lot of people–experience these crushing feelings of guilt. Guilt over having a better job than someone, guilt over being happy, guilt over eating something “bad,” guilt over doing better in life than some of their loved ones. And for me, these feelings have become paralyzing. Even when I let go and spend the money on a Saturday at the movies, I feel awful later and beat myself up over not spending the money on something better, or more helpful.  If you ever feel this way, it’s not too late to participate in No Guilt July with me.  And when you feel guilty about No Guilt July, just remember–Candace told you to do it.

My puppy, Page. A guilt free pleasure.